The Cure
by Just 2 Dream of You
Summary: One-shot: In loving memory of Q&A With Hiei. Hiei has a cold and tries everything to cure himself. But in the process he ends up causing some trouble. Mature humor


Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

Warning: This contains violence, language, and mature humor

**A/N: This was originally called In Loving Memory and was a tribute to Q&A With Hiei. But I have renamed it its proper name and now it's how it should be. This idea is the same as Candy. My friend came up with it but I wrote it by myself. **

* * *

The Cure

X -x-x-x-x- X

Hiei was sitting in his favorite tree in the Human World. It had to be or else he wouldn't be sitting in it. He hated this putrid world but for some reason, the trees seemed for peaceful than they were in his world. Maybe because there weren't rabid birds attacking him?

It was then that a funny feeling took him from his thoughts. His nose itched, and his breathing stopped. His eyes closed and he felt himself inhale. "_Ah...ah...tzu!_" He sneezed. It was an odd sensation, it almost felt good to him. But that feeling quickly went away when he felt another one come on. "Oh..." He groaned. One sneeze was enough, he didn't need to experience it again. He tried to hold it back but to no avail. "_Ahh...Ahh-tzu_!" This one was stronger than the last one and it shot him forward. Before he had time to think or recover, another one came. "_AAHH-TZU_!" He sneezed with his hands over his face. Now he was pissed. 'Why am I sneezing?' He thought. Was he sick or allergic to something? _'No. I am a warrior. I don't get sick, and I'm not allergic to anything.'_ He ignored the weird feeling in his head and jumped out of the tree.

His throat felt a little dry so he thought he needed something to drink. Why was his throat so dry? 'I'm not sick.' He kept telling himself. He saw an ice-cream truck and decided maybe that would make his throat feel better. When he got to the front the human man asked him what he wanted. "Vanilla." He said quickly. The man opened the door to the ice-cream and scooped it into the cone. The man handed it out for Hiei, and that's when Hiei felt another sneeze come on. Hiei sniffed to try to stop it, but that just made it worse. Sniffling, he slowly reached out his hand to grab the cone.

Sniff...

Sniff...

_"AHHHH-TZU!_" Hiei sneezed ferociously at the man, making him fall backwards, throwing the ice-cream behind him. The cone hit a muscular man in the back of the head, sticking to his bald head. The muscular man turned around and grabbed the stunned ice-cream man off the ground.

"Do you think this is funny?!" The ice-cream man tried to speak, but his throat was being squeezed. "Douche-bag! Nobody makes a fool outta me!" The muscular man punched the ice-cream man in the nose. All the children that were waiting for their ice-cream started running and screaming, except one little boy who was laughing hysterically.

The muscular man threw the now bleeding ice-cream man into the ice-cream stand, knocking it over, making the ice-cream spill into the street. The ice-cream was all gone. _Now_ this was Hiei's problem. Hiei got right in front of him and glared. "You wanna fuck with me, little dick? I'd like that." The man licked his lips.

"You're crazy," Hiei stated.

The man went right up to Hiei and got in his face. "Yeah, that's what my wife said before I cut out her spleen."

Hiei went for his sword to kill the man, but before he could, he sneezed again right in the man's eyes.

"AHHHH! MY EYES! GERMS! AAAAAAHHHHH!" The man covered his face and ran across the street, screaming falsetto. A semi-truck came down the street and plowed the guy over, squirting his blood all over the laughing boy, who was now licking the ice-cream off the street. Hiei disappeared while all the normal people screamed in horror.

Hiei knew he was in trouble. This ailment prevented him from making a kill, so it had to be serious. He knew that if he was indeed sick, there was only one person who could hep him. The fox. He started running to Kurama's house but the faster he went, the worse he felt. He eventually had no choice but to slow down to a walk. By that time his head was spinning, his throat felt like a hot poker, and he was coughing and sneezing. Finally, he got to Kurama's house. He beat on the door and rang the bell numerous times. "Kura - "He was cut off by a violent fit of coughing._ 'Damn it,' _he thought. _'Of all the times for him to not be home.'_ He heard footsteps behind him and turned around to see Yusuke.

"Oh, hey, Hiei. Is Kurama home?" He asked in his usual bored tone.

"No."

"Aw, man. I need his advice. See, Keiko found some of my magazines and - whoa...What happened to your face? It's all pale. Are you sick?"

"Congratulations." Hiei raised his fist and punched Yusuke in the gut. "Now leave me alone," he said walking away.

After a few coughs Yusuke got his breath back. "Wait, man! I know a few cures!"

Hiei stopped and turned around. "Cures?"

* * *

"Now, let's see..." Yusuke mumbled as he rummaged through his cabinet.

"This better work." Yusuke turned around at Hiei's comment.

"Or you'll kill me, right? Don't worry. My mom uses these all the time."_ 'Although it's_ _mostly for hangovers...' _He thought. Yusuke went to the fridge and grabbed, raw chicken, peanut butter, a cucumber, and a bottle of hot sauce. He threw all the stuff into a blender and grinded them up. After a few minutes he looked into the blender and dry heaved. The color and smell of this stuff was rancid. '_Maybe it was salam_i?_ Oh, well. The other shit's the same.' _He poured it into a glass and walked into the living room.

Hiei was sitting on the couch with his hands in his lap shivering. Yusuke felt bad for the little guy. "Well, here ya go, Hiei." Hiei took the glass and blinked. Even with his nose stuffed up he could still smell the crap. He looked up at Yusuke questionably.

"Is this it?"

"Yeah."

"And I have to drink it?"

"Trust me, it works every time." Yusuke said with a smile.

Hiei stood up and knocked it back like a shot in one gulp. After that he stood there for a few seconds with a pained look on his face. "Well?" Yusuke asked. Hiei opened his mouth and puked green shit all over the place. "Ahh! God, Hiei!" The vomit splattered on Yusuke's shoes, on the T.V., even some got on the wall. "Shit, man!" Yusuke backed up into the kitchen.

Hiei fell onto the couch, and after he stopped coughing, he glared at Yusuke. "Is that what it's supposed to do?!" He squeaked.

"Well, yeah! It's what my mom does when she's had too much to drink. She drinks that stuff, goes to the bathroom, and feels better." He said like a dumb-ass.

"You idiot! Do I look drunk to you?!"

"Don't yell at me, okay? I'm trying to help!" Yusuke yelled.

"You're making it worse, asshole!" Hiei screamed.

"Okay, okay. I'll get you something better." Yusuke ran back to the cabinet and pulled out a recipe card. _**Common Cold Tonic, **_it said. _'Hmm, okay. This'll work.'__** One orange, three strawberries, six blueberries.**_"Simple enough." Yusuke put all the fruit in the blender. Just when he was about to turn it on, he saw at the bottom of the card in slightly erased print**, **_**liver**_. '_Liver?'_ He thought. "Okay..." He went to the fridge and darned if there wasn't a liver in there! He threw the whole thing in with the fruit, put the lid on and pressed the button.

When he came back to the couch, Hiei was lying down. "Okay, now this shit is good. My aunt made it for my cousin once, and he was cured in, like, five minutes. Trust me." He narrowly stepped over the puke to Hiei.

"That's what you said last time." Hiei hoarsely spatted.

"Well, this time is different." He handed Hiei the glass and Hiei sat up. Hiei grabbed the glass and sniffed it. After, he fell forward on the floor, spilling the glass on himself. "Hiei? Hiei?!" Yusuke turned him over and he was out cold. "Aw, man!" Yusuke ran to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and ran back to the living room. He poured it on Hiei, drenching him. Nothing happened. "Shit!" He cursed. He grabbed Hiei and slapped him around for a few seconds. "Come on, Hiei! Wake the hell up!" Just as Hiei was starting to open his eyes, Yusuke punched him in the face. Yusuke pulled away his fist to see if it worked, and Hiei grabbed his arm.

"There's a place in Hell for y-you..." He coughed.

"Oops..." Yusuke snickered. "Sorry, man." Yusuke helped him to stand. Hiei went to punch him in the face but a wave of dizziness hit him and he fell over. "Hmm?" Yusuke looked over and Hiei was crawling towards the door. When he reached it he grabbed the knob and pulled himself up. In his state he forgot about the lock and started pulling on the door. When it didn't bulge he panicked.

"This house is possessed!" He yelled frantically.

"Come on, Hiei, this is no time for jokes. I have an idea." Yusuke said pulling Hiei into the bathroom.

"No...Noooo..."

Hiei had no idea what Yusuke was doing but he knew it wasn't good. All he heard was clinking and squeaking. "All right. Done." Hiei opened his eyes and looked up. Yusuke had a small jar in his hands.

"What...?" He started.

"It's like vapor-rub but reinforced." Yusuke said.

"Hm?"

Yusuke didn't say anything and leaned down to Hiei. He pulled off his cloak, and with a tongue depressor, started putting the gel on Hiei's left arm. At first the gel felt good but after a few seconds it started to burn and itch. "Ahh!" Hiei scratched his arm violently, rubbing the gel even further into his skin. Then his skin became red with white puffy marks. Hiei ran out of the bathroom, knocking Yusuke over. "Wait!" Hiei jumped out of the living room window and ran down the street. '_What's so bad about this?'_ Yusuke thought. He sniffed it and dipped his finger in it. He rubbed it into his fingertips and he soon felt what was wrong. "Oh, shit!" He fell backwards and the jar fell on his face, making the gel leak out onto his mouth and nose. "FUCK!"

Atsuko walked in the front door and found, a broken window with glass everywhere, a smell that could gag a maggot, and crap that looked like...crap all over the place. She heard Yusuke screaming and saw him run out of the bathroom. His face was red with white puffy stuff. "I CAN'T GET IT OFF!" He cried. He ran to the kitchen and rubbed his eyes with water. "FUCK! _IT'S IN MY EYES!__**IT'S IN MY EYES!**_" Atsuko blinked and walked back out the door.

* * *

The looks Hiei was getting were a mixed bag. Some were afraid and disgusted and some were worried. Hiei was sneezing and coughing, with a pale face, bloodshot eyes, and a red and whit puffy arm that he was weakly scratching. One guy looked at him with concerned eyes. "Hey, fella, are you alright?"

"Must...get...fox...house..." Hiei said like a drone.

"Fox house?" The guy asked. "What a pervert."

When Hiei got to Kurama's street he saw that Kurama was getting into the car with his mother. "Noo..." Hiei in his desperate state did something he wouldn't normally do in Human World. He reached up and shot The Mortal Flame at a light post near Kurama's house.

Kurama felt the energy and instantly knew who it was. He turned around and saw Hiei fall on the ground.

"Oh, my!" Shiori gasped with her hand on her chest. All she saw was the light post explode. "What on Earth?"

"It's alright, mother. It was just lighting. I saw it. That reminds me. I have homework to do on electricity and I have to have it in by tomorrow. Go on without me, alright?"

"Alright..." She was shaking and got in the car and drove away. As soon as she was gone, Kurama ran to Hiei.

"Oh, my God..." Kurama touched the back of his neck to feel a heartbeat. Demon heartbeats are slow and faint so he had to hold his fingers there for a while. As he did his fingers slowly burned. "Ah!" He felt the low beat and pulled his charred fingers away. "You are literally burning up, Hiei. And what happened to your arm? That smell is...unique." He pulled Hiei into the house and up to the bathroom. Kurama put his sick friend into the tub and ran ice-cold water on him. As he did Hiei regained consciousness.

"Mmm..." Hiei moaned.

"Don't worry, Hiei. You're safe." Kurama assured. Hiei groaned and looked up. "What happened to you?" Kurama was extremely worried.

"Keep him away...keep him away..." Hiei whispered while moaning.

"Keep who away?"

Hiei tried to say 'Detective', but all that came out was "Di-tive." Kurama blinked.

"Ditive? Whoever this Ditive is, he must be very powerful to injure Hiei like this and make him quiver in fear. This is bad. We'll have to be on guard." Kurama said, over-analyzing the situation. "I'm calling Yusuke."

Hiei heard his head scream 'NOO!', but all that came out was, "Uh-gack..."

"But I can't leave you like this. I'll be right back." After a few minutes, Kurama came back with, what else, a plant. He squeezed the flower over Hiei's lips and a liquid dripped into his mouth. The liquid was a shot of adrenaline and would help him out. Also by then, then gel that Yusuke rubbed on his arm had washed off in the tub.

Hiei sat up, pretty much feeling like he did when he first came to Kurama's house. You know, before the devil found him.

"Hiei, can you speak?" Kurama asked.

"Yeah..."

"Alright. Who is Ditive?" Hiei looked up.

"Ditive. I said detective, you idiot!" Hiei fumed.

"Yusuke? Why would Yusuke do this to you?" Kurama sweat-dropped.

"Because he's stupid." Kurama raised an eyebrow. "I'm _sick_." He finally admitted. "That moron tried to _cure_ me."

"Oh, I see..." Kurama smiled. Thank the gods Ditive didn't exist. He really didn't want to go through what Hiei was going through! "This I can handle." He said standing up.

Hiei gingerly walked out of the tub and used his body-heat to dry him off. "I'll make you something, okay, Hiei?" Hiei was a little weary but trusted Kurama. "But first, I have to get some things from the drug store."

"Fine. But hurry back. If any demons get wind of me being weakened like this they'll come for me." Hiei stated.

"Don't worry, Hiei. They won't." Kurama left Hiei in his bedroom and ran out to the store.

Little did both of them know that a trio of demons _was_ trailing Hiei. They were business partners of his in the past and didn't like the way Hiei treated them. Decapitating their boss was a bad move on Hiei's part. They walked up to Kurama's house and broke down the door.

Hiei had himself wrapped in Kurama's blankets watching T.V.. He was sneezing again violently, and his nose had bled. "Shit." Three demons crashed through and entered the room.

"Well, well, well. It's the great Hiei." Hiei sneezed. "Look at him, sneezing like a little bitch. Let's eat him."

"Fuck it." Hiei stated and the whole place exploded.

Kurama was walking back from the drug store when he saw a burning dog come running down the street. "What?" Kurama ran to his house. "_MY HOUSE!_" He screamed as he ran to what was his house ablaze. In the rubble, stood Hiei unscathed.

"Who knew all I had to do was raise my energy and I would be cured?" He said uncaring.

"Oh, Hiei..." Kurama said with his face hidden.

"Don't blame me, Kurama. _They _attacked _me_. I did warn you." Hiei said walking towards Kurama.

"That you did. I need your help, however." He said calmly.

"What?"

"You see these seeds?" Kurama said holding out his hand.

"Yes..." Hiei was getting nervous now.

"I need you to pick one."

"Why?"

"Because that's the one I'm going to kill you with."

~End


End file.
